I've been thinking. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that it's a dangerous thing for me to be thinking.

I have always bridled when people who I work with use the excuse that something "has always been done that way" to justify their actions. I see that as a dare... someone drawing a line and teasing me to cross it and find a different way to do things better, simpler, more efficiently. Sometimes it works, sometimes I'm just pounding my head against a wall. Lately I have been feeling that same challenge in my personal life. This year, with a whole lot of help from people around me, I've been challenged with changing the status quo in every aspect of my life.

With the holiday season approaching, I realize that a lot of the traditions that I've clung to with regard to celebrating are just echoes of a life that's passed into the history books. I do some things to honor people who I loved who are long gone, even if I'm the only one who gets it. The symbolism is lost on those around me, and frankly, I don't need the action to honor the loved one. There are people around me who I want to celebrate the present with rather than spending my time missing the past.

It occurred to me that a lot of traditions come with expectations and expectations often lead to disappointment. There is so much right here in the present, in my friends and my family and the world around me, to celebrate and enjoy, that it doesn't make sense to get lost in what we used to do or where we used to go last year, or five, ten or more years ago. Comparing the present to the past - not good. The present is full of possibilities for the future. The past is full of memories, lessons and laughter that we can't go back and relive. So why try to recreate them, let's move on and see what's next.

See - thinking... and sensing that line in the sand, drawn to challenge me to grow and be more than I am.

A guy in New Jersey, who's shopping online for a husband, asked me what do I look for.

What do I look for in a partner (life, not sex, although both would be nice)?

If I had a wish list for talents and behaviors, or physical characteristics - I don't think that any of the men or boys that I have had relationships with would be able to pass the test. But that would just be a wish list... (I'll share my most recent wish list if you are really interested. Just let me know.)

What I do know about myself, is that there's a physical response that I recognize in myself as "falling in love". (there's actually some nausea and dizziness involved). The boy has always been emotionally available, somewhat empathic and have the ability to see something in me that I don't show to very many people.

Resolution #2 - Get rid of stress in my life.

Update - not doing so well on that today.

89% Barack Obama
85% Hillary Clinton
85% Bill Richardson
84% John Edwards
83% Chris Dodd
82% Mike Gravel
81% Dennis Kucinich
78% Joe Biden
44% Rudy Giuliani
35% John McCain
32% Mitt Romney
30% Mike Huckabee
25% Ron Paul
23% Tom Tancredo
18% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz


I haven't really made my mind up yet, but I was curious which questions/issues the quiz would address. I thought the questions weren't bad, and the answer choices were reasonable. Still, I have to listen to the candidates more before I make up my mind.

Well, it’s a new year. I hope that everyone is doing well. I went back to work today after taking almost two weeks off. That sounds relaxing, doesn’t it? Two weeks off work. Of course, it wasn’t all that relaxing. I went to Fort Lauderdale for Christmas with my family, and holidays in my family, as much as we all really do love each other, tend to be a little stressful.

I made the decision to skip all the New Year’s hoopla. I didn’t have the energy to brave any of the dance parties, so I stayed home and watched Andersen Cooper, Kathy Griffin and the Times Square crowd as they watched the ball drop at midnight in New York. My new room mate Marc stayed in also, and invited me to participate in a ritual that he does every new years. We lit candles in the yard, and made wishes at midnight. Then I went to bed.

The cool thing is, that was two days ago, and the candles are still lit! I don’t know what that means for my wish (which wasn’t greedy, but was actually for me) but if you believe in wishes and signs and rituals, it’s gotta be a positive thing. As cliché as it sounds, I also made a couple of New Year’s resolutions this week. Call it “managing by objectives”… but for my life, rather than my business. I thought it best to keep the resolutions simple, and this is what I came up with:

Drink more water.
Get rid of stress in my life.
Give myself permission to be happy.
Plan what comes next.

The first one is simple.
The second, looks simple, but will actually take some work.
The third one is an instruction from my psychiatrist.
The fourth is the great unknown. This year I turn 50. In 38 days, I will have been in my job for 5 years. Should I stay or should I go? What’s next? That’s what I have to figure out.

I've been on kind of a personal journey- back in the day, I would have journaled it, but now, the journal is the pulpit, so the cathartic rantings and anquished cries of confusion that once found themselves scribbled in pencil, only to have the pages then glued shut so that no one could read them.... those words no longer find their way onto paper, or web page. Those thoughts stay in the mix-master in my mind.

It's been quite a summer. The world at work is upside down, so I'm hanging on while I try to find the floor and put all the shit in proper piles. Nothing really gets done, reports come out that say we do a lousy job, and then I get rebates in excess of $5 Million dollarts two years in a row and awards that say we have the best run program. All of this, of course, comes without any recognition of my personal contributions.

What's happening at home is a mystery. I like to think that Chris and I are building what can be a strong friendship, but we're building it with some shakey materials, stuff that we damaged in our relationship, and we have to be careful if we're gonna make it. I don't know what his next steps are at this point, and so, I don't really know what mine are either.

I went to Burning Man, on my own, without the benefit of the theme camps that I've gone with before, and I found a whole new world (cue Alladin and Jasmine on the magic carpet). Apparently, on any given trip to the desert, I had been missing about 10,000 parties that were going on simultaneously, in favor of doing what others wanted to do, and not following my muse. I spent the week in independent bliss, met tons of new people and had a blast - learning lots about myself along the way.

And of course, I fell hopelessly in love, with a young straight couple from Brooklyn, who together tugged at every single one of the invisible strings that are attached in some way to my old, battered heart. It's the best new friendship that I've had in a long time.

Your Vocabulary Score: A-

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

As I've mentioned before, I've been pondering a screen name change for the journal, and seriously, I sat for a couple of hours over the last few weeks seeing what was and was not available for screen names, in much the same way that I originally chose both of my enduring screen names on AOL oh so many years ago.   I found a few names that weren't taken amongst the hundreds that I tried, going down paths with ties to my love of comics, sci fi, even all things Springsteen.   

I really want to thank everyone that shared some of the history of their screen name choices with me, and I want you to know that I took all of them into consideration while I was puzzling out just exactly what I want my online identity to be.  In the end, I felt that even the ones that I tried that were available only spoke to one aspect of who I am, and I found myself reluctant to limit myself in that way.  

In the end, I did choose a new name - the one my mother gave me.   I actually left off the part that came from my father, because I really don't identify myself with his family, and let's face it - he hasn't really contributed much since way back when on that cold night in February of 58 when my mom just didn't say no.   I figured that this name actually DOES say who I am, it's a name that I am proud to bear, and the rest, well, like the title says - we make it up as we go along.

Special thanks to 

michaelnolan  and to keithcsmith for being great role models in how to choose a screen name.  And to all of you for reading and commenting on my creative efforts.    If  you're wondering whether the content of the page will change, rest assured that I'm still me, and I'm still going to share the same types of stuff (including the naughty bits... which will for the most part remain "friends only"...  ).